On April 9, 1865, Gen. Robert E. Lee rode up to Appomattox Courthouse with a small contingent of men. Waiting for them there was Gen. Ulysses S. Grant. Though they had been in the “old army” together, Lee didn’t know what Grant looked like, nor did he have any clue about his demeanor. They were from different socioeconomic backgrounds in a time when class counted. Grant recognized Lee immediately.

With his troops surrounded, resources depleted, and no sensible way forward, Lee realized he must sue for peace. In response to his inquiry on the topic, Grant assured him the terms were straightforward – the South must lay down its arms. The terms themselves turned out to be generous: officers could keep their sidearms, men who owned their horses could keep them for the spring planting, and no one would be arrested or tried for treason.

There are no pictures of Grant and Lee at Appomattox. Some argue that it was the most crucial moment in post-Revolutionary American history. Perhaps that’s just as it should be because it allows the moment to live in our imaginations.

I lived in the South and loved its complexity and simplicity. I found it ironic in some ways that among the most reviled Yankees was Gen. William Tecumseh Sherman, who brought scorched earth in his pursuit of peace. Sherman also loved the South; he just wanted the Union whole and slavery gone.

But it is U.S. Grant who best exemplified the bitter internal divide of many who commanded the waging of that war between brothers. Grant had great respect for the bravery and dedication of the Southern soldiers. Still, he held the Confederate cause itself in contempt.

“I felt like anything rather than rejoicing at the downfall of a foe who had fought so long and valiantly,” he wrote, “and had suffered so much for a cause, though that cause was, I believe, one of the worst for which a people ever fought, and one for which there was the least excuse.”

Lee had ridden up to Appomattox not even sure what the man across the room looked like. He left knowing exactly who Grant was – not just the general who had beaten him, but a man who could hate the cause and still refuse to gloat over the men who’d fought for it.